It’s not all bad. Harley Quinn is lots of fun. Amanda Waller seriously kicks ass. The first act zips along at a pace. And it’s not three hours long.
But seriously, there are some ridiculous bits in Suicide Squad. We’ve gathered up our massively spoilerish and slightly tongue-in-cheek best worst moments.
The fact that unlike everyone else he doesn’t even get a proper intro did not bode well for Adam Beach’s Slipknot. His special skills appeared to be climbing buildings and knots or something and we’re not at all sure how he got captured. Suffice it to say his head gets blown up without delay.
2. Harley’s pants
Tool up guys, you’re going to be a crack squad on a deadly mission to defeat the ultimate evil! Here’s a dressing up box, do your worst. So as opposed to the others who choose sensible togs, Harley picks scratchy fishnets, and tiny pants that appear to get tinier. Also, she never gets to use her comedy hammer, for shame!
3. Katana’s entire presence
So she’s a masked, costumed vigilante wielding a sword that contains the souls of the dead, but she’s a goodie on Rick Flag’s side. Either she’s never killed anyone before, in which case we’d question her usefulness as part of the team, or she has, in which case why isn’t she incarcerated like the rest of them? Perhaps there’s a very sensible explanation but not so as you’d know in the film, which she’s barely in.
4. June Moone’s skills as an archeologist
So you’ve wandered off into the jungle alone, which is never wise. Then you’ve fallen down a hole – ok could happen to anyone, but oops. But then when you unearth a priceless artefact that almost definitely belongs in a museum, you don’t grab it and clumsily snap the head off. Worst. Archeologist. Ever.
5. Enchantress’s magic kissing booth
Enchantress is an ancient witch who’s several thousand years old. She has decided to create a massive army of faceless goons. But what ancient magic does she use to create these minions? She has to snog them. Ok she’s been trapped in a bottle for a fair bit and might be feeling frisky, but this cannot be the most time-efficient method of army creation.
6. The faceless goons
Frog spawn for a head. Some sort of coal-like material when they’re battered (easily) with a baseball bat. These must be the least useful drones in comic-dom. Barely even worth the snog they took to create.
7. “We’re some kind of… Suicide Squad”
Deadshot gets most of the best lines in the movie. This is not one of them. It’s only fractionally less silly than: “We’re a team now, and there’s four of us, so we should come up with a name for it” in Fantastic Four.
8. Enchantress’ dance
After the kissing is over, Enchantress’ super power appears to be doing a sexy dance. She’s creating a machine you see. What kind of a machine you ask? Just a machine, it doesn’t matter.
9. Enchantress’ defeat
She’s extraordinarily powerful, can apparate to anywhere in a second, can turn men into frogspawn with a mere tongueing and has powers of telekinesis. You’d think she’d be above mere scrapping with the gang. And Harley’s subterfuge which defeats her is a bit of a disappointment too. Rubbish baddie.
10. Enchantress’ brother
And he’s no better. He’s a CGI Mister Tickle who has no idea where he is or what’s going on and the two have barely a motive between them. Also – if you could teleport anywhere would you really ping into a random men’s toilet to find the corporeal form for your long dead brother? Did he even wash his hands?
11. Harley’s Vision
In the UK you have to train for years to become a psychiatrist. And it’s unlikely Arkham Asylum would be the very first gig you’d jump into so it’s safe to assume that Harleen Quinzel was a clever woman before she became horrible at her job and fell in love with the Joker. Ok so he gives her some pretty harsh electric shock treatment but for someone who “sleeps when I want, where I want and with who I want”, is a washing machine and a couple of kids really the dream?
12. Batman’s snog
He’s dragged Harley from a sinking car where the Joker has abandoned her and lobbed her in the boot of the Batmobile. We’re not convinced she actually needs the kiss of life, but even if she does we don’t reckon it usually involves tongues, Bats you big perve.
13. Amanda’s Waller recruitment policy
If you’re smart, determined and good enough at forward planning to track down and recruit a team of master criminals and meta humans to defend the world against the potential threat of an evil superman, you think you’d have the forethought to give enough of your staff high level security so you don’t have to immediately shoot them all once the gang arrive to save you. Call HR!
14. Captain Boomerang’s magic beer can
Where is he getting all that beer from? No one else has beer, is it a magic beer can? Is that his super power? Is the pink fluffy unicorn the key to his beer stash? Even in the pub he has a beer can. Would he not have a glass of beer in a pub?
15. The general imperviousness to helicopter crashes
Both Amanda Waller, The Joker and the entire Squad walk out of helicopter crashes entirely unscathed. Not even vaguely ruffled. Another super power we’d like almost as much as that magic beer can.
16. Batman’s printouts
In the post-credits sting, Amanda Waller hands Bruce Wayne a top-secret file that she refers to as the ‘crown jewels’ detailing meta humans like The Flash and Aquaman – Wayne says he wants it because he’s interested in making friends. But wait, hasn’t he already got a digital version of this as seen in BvS: Dawn Of Justice? Is it that his inkjet’s on the blink and he really wants to have a read of them in the bath?
Digital Spy UK